By Blaine Davis Contributing Editor
As I wandered down the aisle of a local department store, I was approached by a young girl, maybe 3 or 4 years of age, with her father in toe. Wearing my recently purchased “Pathfinder” quasi-style cowboy hat that was hand-picked by my personal stylist and granddaughter Kinley Jo, the little girl uttered, “Look daddy, a cowboy.”
With a tongue-in-cheek chuckle I replied, “All hat, no cattle.” Bidding the father and daughter a good day, I left the establishment and boarded my “iron steed.” Its radio in a déjà vu moment was playing a song by the country parody duo of Haley Spence Brown and Jack Hackett, the Doohickeys, All Hat, No Cattle.
The gist of their lyrics centered on a Seattleite buying a guitar and packing off to Nashville to become a star. With a newly acquired southern drawl, his songs are heard on all the country radio stations. You might see him in boots, but never a saddle – he’s all hat, no cattle. Further lyrics describe a politician, an honest man, only by omission who understands the struggle of the working class. But if you ask, he is talking out of his lower boy opening. When you call him out, he’ll start to babble and then he’ll skedaddle. Again, he is all hat, no cattle. “Might be a snake, but he’s missing the rattle. He’ll start a war just to win the battle. Yeah he’s all hat, no cattle.”
The colloquial phrase emanates from the American vernacular and is particularly associated with the southern states.
According to The Idioms.com, the colloquial phrase emanates from the American vernacular and is particularly associated with the southern states. A precursor – “Big hat, no cattle” – is an allusion to the 10-gallon hat – a prominent symbol of cowboy attire introduced by the Stetson brand in 1925. Contrary to this legendary claim, they didn’t hold 10 gallons of water, but the donning of this oversized headgear by urbanites seeking a rugged cowboy image spawned the derisive retort, “Big hat, no cattle.” The earliest documented instance of the phrase is discernible in The Oklahoma News from February 1937. It reads:
In the mutual stately sayonaras of distinguished columnists, like encrusted priests saluting each other before the altar at mass, the only kiss ever offered to this celebrant by Miss Thompson was “Frankenstein Monster” and Big Wind.” The Osages say it better: “Big hat, no cattle.”
While many individuals commonly associate it with Texas due to the state’s historical prominence in cattle ranching and their self- proclaimed grandeur, the phrase’s origins trace back to the Osage Native American tribe, originating from Kentucky, as indicated by early texts. The contemporary version, “All hat and no cattle,” emerged notably later, predominantly in the latter half of the 20th century. A precursor to this variant, affirming its Texan association, surfaced in the Kingsport Times of Tennessee in July 1977: “That was three months ago, and I only saw him that one time. He’s a Texan, that’s all, big hat and no cattle.”
Enhancing the ideology that the phrase originated with Texas, Trace Adkins, a native of Louisiana and residing in Nashville recorded a different version of All Hat, No Cattle by Texas songwriters Tommy Connors and Roger Brown. In 1999, furthering the Texas mystique, Ray Benson of Texas’s world-renown swing band, Asleep at the Wheel produced his version. This compilation emulates a Marlboro Man seeking a dance partner with a starched shirt and jeans, big trophy buckle and talkin’ cowboy this and cowboy that. The only stampede that he’s ever seen is the clearance at the western store. Adkins vocalizes, “He’s just a smooth-talkin’, long-tall, slow-walkin’ drugstore-made-up dude. So honey, don’t fall for that fake Texas drawl. He ain’t right for you. What you need’s a man that ain’t just a hat stand. All hat and no cattle, that boy just ain’t real.”
With a deeper dive into the internet, I discovered yet another “All Hat, No Cattle” that is a far left bastion of hate for conservatism. The founder, Lisa Casey, established this website not after the 2024 election but that of 2000 and George Bush’s victory in hope that humor would help me get through the next four years. Perusing her now 25-year-old site, it fits one meaning of All Hat, No Cattle: “Presenting oneself as important or knowledgeable without substance or authenticity.” With the byline, “I provide daily political psychotherapy in order to keep myself and my viewers sane,” maybe her moniker should be All B.S., No Cattle. The founder, while spouting left-wing babble and pure Trump hate becomes more than irritating. But even more so, the “crème de la crème” is she does it from the perceived safety of Costa Rica, having left Florida in 2009.
As per crossidiomas.com, contradicting the origin of and historical context for this idiom, it was born in the late 1800s in Texas, with its vast ranges and large herds of cattle. Some cowboys were wealthy landowners with thousands of cattle and employed dozens of workers. These men wore expensive hats made from beaver fur and dressed in fine clothing when they went to town. They talked about their wealth and success at every opportunity. Contrastingly, when I go to town, my “All Hat, No Cattle” look is tongue-in-cheek, just plain fun, and I really owe it all to my stylist.
