By Baxter Black
It’s coming! Political correctness in the animal kingdom! I have conferred with those fervent homogenizers of the once-colorful and descriptive English language to formulate the following list:
STRAY DOG. Both words are unacceptable. They imply that a four-legged mongrel is subsisting as a vagrant. We have chosen the term Misdirected Wagamorph.
MUSTANG. Definitely out! Associated too much with a greedy automotive corporation. We are going to protect them into extinction. They shall henceforth be called Adoptable Equine Derivatives.
KILLER WHALES. Need I say more? The name suggests that these beautiful creatures would rather kill and eat living things than down a kelp burger in the shape of a baby seal. We’re calling them the Masked Cetaceans.
FAT STEERS. Entirely out. No slur shall be made about the weight or their sexual predicament. Each cattle buyer will now deal in Ready Edibles. No, that won’t work either; can’t mention bulls. How ‘bout Ripened Ruminants.
GOMER BULLS. Of course, any allusion to sex must be eliminated. The term gomer really has no meaning but leaves one with the impression that he’s one brick short shy of a load. And though he’s certainly one something shy of a load, the association with Mayberry RFD must be downplayed. He shall hereinafter be christened the Frustrated Titillator. No, that won’t work either. I’ve got it – a Misguided Chromosome Depositor.
QUARTER HORSE. No chance. The hypersensitive could interpret that to mean he’s three-quarters something else. I’ve coined the term Dollar Horse.
POLLED HEREFORD. Come on, now! Wouldn’t it be less discriminatory to rename them the Unhorned Himherford?
Too many of our creatures were named by that original chauvinist, Adam, with unconscious patronizing to sex, gender, race, religion, size, handicap, mental state, congenital deformity or odd behavior.
Consider how insensitive we are to call something a nanny goat, a laying hen, praying mantis, peafowl, woodpecker, short-nosed sucker or a turkey.
I admit I’ve been called a turkey, but I thought it was a step up from the dodo.
But if we truly worried about the political correctness fad, what are we gonna call a cowboy? A Two-Legged Ungulate Overperson? Why not.
“Git along little Disenfranchised Mobile Nurture Seeker.”